Silent mode

My latest phone has lasted for two years now, which is the longest time I have ever had one. Other phones I lost or someone stole them from my hands/pocket. I know its ringtone by default, it is like any other of its kind. That is because I deactivated its volume, vibration and notifications. Since the day I bought it, it has been in silent mode.

I am a fan of social media and apps, but I cannot tolerate how often their notifications make phones beep and/or vibrate, so I set mine to silent mode. Only if I have it in my hand or somewhere close, I will see the screen notify me of an incoming call. If I start any app, that is how I will know if anyone texted me.

So, why the heck do you care about my phone in silent mode? No special reason. It just reminded me of myself in this season of my soul. I have turned myself into a silent mode.   I feel like all social interactions bother me. Everything else around me seems to happen at a pace that is not mine.

I do not want to run the way they do. I do not want to worry the way they do. I do not want to worry about the things they worry about. I do not want to become friends with the friends they become friends with. I do not want to speak the way they speak. I do not want to see what they see. I do not want to go to the direction they go to. I do not want to live the way they do. Whoever “they” really are. But, then, what do I want?

Every morning and every night I sit on my bed and stay for a while staring at that non-existent point. The point that makes one freeze, makes time stop and makes one sigh deep-deep-deep. Sometimes I feel like life does not get any better at all and there is just anguish inside and the world is an unfair place to live in. I am trying all my best and my best does not seem to be enough.

I do not want to hear that everything will be okay. I no longer know what “okay” or “well” is. Is it an illusion of what we want and not of what we really need? I get the “impression” that it is something I have to build everyday. Something I must give instead of hoping to receive. What is happening? I am an adult! That is what is going on (haha).

Thank you. To those of you who have come close enough so that I could see your incoming smiles and read the messages in your eyes, even when my silent mode has remained activated.

(Photo by Mehmet Ali in Hatay-Antakya, Turkey. This is at Ali’s mother’s home. They have a backyard full of trees. One of my sweetest places to be at.)